Whole
by Black Fleet Foot
Summary: Touch, revamped and renamed. its a lot better now I'm not trembling in my boots. Nick's Body is healed, but his mind is still scared. Sam deals with the consequences. R&R PLEASE! Slash


**Whole **

**Rating – PG13**

**Warnings – mentions of abuse, and obviously, slash. A little more…. Graphic… than the original draft too.**

**Disclaimer – I've been a very naughty girl. I've stolen Garth Nix's Characters, and made them do things they probably wouldn't usually do. But I don't really own them, so put down the briefcase and legal papers!**

**Summary – Nick's Body is healed, but his mind is still scarred. **

Sam watches Nick at the dinner table. He's wearing a white tunic and a bright smile, But Sam knows Nick too well to think the smile is real.

Its Nick's first night back in the old kingdom, and he looks well, for all the blood loss and exhaustion. He's talking to Lirael again, but despite his mild confidence and chattiness, Sam _knows_ there's something wrong. The conversation finishes Nick turns back to his plate, and so does Sam.

'I haven't seen you for six months' Thinks Sam, 'and you still haven't spoken to me'

Sam looks up again, and this time Nick looks at him too. His eyes are still soft blue, but now there is a hidden hurt within them. And fear. Sam frowns, and Nick opens his mouth as if to speak. It hangs there for a second then closes. Sam smiles, but it is a bitter smile – without mirth. Sam smiles too, and he understands the silent conversation which has just passed between them

_What's wrong?_

_I'll tell you later_

_I'm sorry_

_It's not your fault _

Sam turns back to his fish, and Nick is involved in conversation once more, this time with Ellimere. Sam feels a little annoyed that Nick refuses to speak to _him_, and then reminds himself that however he classes Nick as _his _and Nick classes him as _mine_ they are both allowed to hold conversations with other people so awkwardly he starts a conversation with Lirael, and decides that he loves Nick far too much too much to be angry at him for such a trivial reason. And Nick is here for good now, and he can't run away to Ancellstiere, so they'll have to speak eventually. And Nick is staying in the room next to his.

Sam smiles as he remembers this. Lirael is mildly worried that he is smiling as she describes her dealings with a tricky mordaunt, and expresses her concern. Nick is just glad that Sam doesn't look so miserable anymore, but he keeps this to himself.

Dinner whirls by, the courses blending together, conversation, colours, dancing, and the sun traces west across the sky, the land bidding light farewell.

Nick looks out over the darkening sea. The sky above is a soft but dark blue, not quite night, the sun still setting in the east Back in his room he is free to think, and act as he wishes to act, rather than how he is expected. A soft knock on the door breaks his reverie.

"Come in," he says absently.

The door opens the person enters.

"Nick?" Sam's concerned voice echoes through the air, as his footsteps follow it across the room

Sam knows not to disturb Nick when he is thinking, but they really need to talk.

"Nick?"

Sam reaches out to touch his shoulder, but as he makes contact, Nick jerks away and almost hits Sam with his curled fist, but Sam has been of trained as the son of the Abhorsen, and Nick never was an amazing fighter, so Sam swerves and avoids the hit easily.

But that doesn't mean to say he's not hurt. He is – terribly. He fixes Nick with a shocked stare. Sam doesn't know what he's done, but it must be serious for Nick to resort to physical violence. He backs away to the door, but then sees that Nick looks almost as shattered as he does.

"_Nick?_" he says for a third time, but now he's more frightened than worried

"Oh Sam – I'm so sorry I didn't– I didn't mean- Oh Sam I'm so sorry…" Nicks tone is hysterical, as though he has committed a great crime, and there is panic in his eyes – a look that Sam can't miss. He sits heavily on the window seat, and Sam settles beside him. Nick watches him warily but doesn't move.

"Nick? Are you all right?" Sam asks

He slips an arm around Nick and attempts a comforting smile, but it fades as Nick flinches away and stiffens. But then he relaxes and smiles a little too, curling into Sam and closing his eyes, and Sam smiles again, so everything is ok – almost.

"I'm still a little – you know – not quite recovered… I just get a little nervous… I didn't mean to try and hit you I just… "

Sam pull's Nick closer at the mention of the events surrounding the destroyer, and he knows that if he ever lets anything like that happen again, he will never forgive himself. He holds Nick close, afraid to let him go, and presses him into his chest. He is frightened by Nicks fear, his nervous movements and how he flinches whenever Sam moves. Sam can feel Nicks pulse where his head is rested on his shoulder, and it is far too fast to be normal.

"It's all right, now tell me what's really wrong," he whispers gently.

Nick turns his head away from Sam's, and shelters himself from the gaze. He is tense, again and he won't look up. Sam tucks a finger beneath his chin, and lifts it so Nick is facing him. He Is shocked to find that those blue eyes are glazed and sparkling. A single tear trickles from Nick's eye, and he moves to brush it away embarrassedly, but Sam stops him.

"I'm sorry Sam! I'm so sorry… I can't… I can't! Please…" Nick is trembling now, all semblance of restraint forgone, his breathing becoming erratic and his tears falling freely. Sam feels his heart tear and break, caught in the intense pain and fear of that gaze. He pulls Nick into a light kiss, It butterflies across his lips like a soft breeze, comforting and sweet, and he holds Nick until the trembling subsides and the sobs fade. He realizes Nick has fallen into sleep.

A flick of his wrist and a charter mark flares from his hand, locking the door. He carries Nick to the bed, not wanting to let go, and settles him gently. He pulls off their tunics and lies beside him. Nick stirs slightly and Sam wraps his arms around him, whispering soft comforts. He feels Nick relax and he does too, following Nick into soft sleep. Whatever is hidden from him can wait until the morning.

It is very early morning when Sam stirs, His eyes fluttering open, blinking away the last traces of sleep. It is quickly apparent why he has woken – Nick is sitting up, eyes still bleary but wild, a light sheen of sweat on his forehead. Sam rests a hand on his shoulder, and Nick almost moves to hit him again but stops himself just on time. He allows Sam to pull him back into a protective hold.

"Sorry" he whispers "Nightmares – you know…"

Sam smiles and kisses his forehead, tracing the hand that rested on his chin down his chest, lightly tugging at the buttons as it falls. He moves out from behind Nick and shifts his weight to rest on soft pillows. Nicks hand reaches to his cheek, and Sam lowers his head to taste Nick's lips, soft and beautiful in the moon light. His hands trace soft patterns on exposed skin, and his mouth leaves Nick's to follow them. Nicks hands are fisted in his hair, and Sam remembers Nick's earlier discomfort and halts, unsure.

Although Nick is silent, his eyes closed, Sam can see quiet tears forming beneath thick lashes. He knows that before they can continue, Nick must defeat whatever fear lurks beneath the surface of his thoughts.

Nicks eyes flutter open when he feels Sam's presence shift beside him again, and he sees that Sam is resting quietly in front of him, watching him.

"Tell me what's wrong," Sam says quietly. Nick shudders, the with held tears rolling softly over his cheeks.

"I can't" He chokes "I can't…. I didn't want… didn't mean… I just can't…"

Sam doesn't want the situation to deteriorate into hysteria again, so he places a soft finger on Nick's lips, and moves closer to him.

"You have to tell me eventually," whispers Sam "If not now then later, or it'll eat away at you

until you break down"

Nick huddles closer and Sam feels rather than sees him nod his head.

"S'hard," mumbles Nick quietly "Don't want to tell you"

"Then don't"

"Have to"

"Ok"

They lie in silence for a while, Nick gathering his courage and Sam his thoughts. Sam doesn't know what is wrong with Nick, and he gets the feeling that he doesn't want to. They lie there for so long that Sam wonders if Nick is sleeping, and just as he is about to ask him Nick begins to speak very quietly.

"Hedge… I was… he… I… He made me do things… I didn't want to do…"

Sam feels his heart stop beating for a moment and everything seems to fall into place – Nick's dislike of physical contact, his nerves, the way he flinched when people jibed at him…

"Oh Nick… I wish I'd been faster… I should have gone sooner I should have realized something was wrong, I-"

"S'not your fault," whispers Nick. "S'mine."

Sam sits up so fast it makes Nick jump.

"what do you mean its your fault? There was nothing you could have done about it!"

Nick pauses for a moment unsure

"Do you still want me?" he whispers

Sam looks shocked, and even a little horrified. It breaks his heart to see Nick - who is usually so calm - so broken.

"Of course," he replies, shocked.

"But Sam I'm not whole any more…"

"Neither am I" He whispers "Neither am I. We fit together, and together we'll make a whole."

"You're not broken though," Whispers Nick and Sam sighs unhappily.

"Not like you. But I am broken"

"Well be whole together"

"Yes, we will"


End file.
